Sorry I’ve not been around for a while … I had a break from everything, including my computer screen. I don’t know … don’t you just wish you could cocoon yourself away from technology now and then? It’s like the very thing that at times makes me the most happy (emailing, Facebooking) can at other times be the very thing that catapults me into loneliness, to a negative state
(no emails except junk, no contact from friends on FB, not even a ‘like’). I don’t like that. I don’t like being in that place and feeling like that … so that’s when the best thing I can do for myself – the best tonic for my self esteem if nothing else – is to ditch the whole lot and get out into the real world. Log out. Switch off. Unplug.
So now I come back to my dashboard and it all feels good, like coming home … with a refreshed mind and with a yearning to talk. It’s nice. 🙂
I’d been pondering getting myself back on here all week, then things snowballed and the feeling today became more of a subconscious insistence: I just HAVE to download my Service Pack 2 because I NEED to speak, I need to blog!! Funny. Even if no-one reads my posts, I am left with the feeling that my voice is loud.
So the point of this post (as I do try to have a point if it’s not a poem or random thought) is to marvel at how easy it is to fall back into old habits – stress, worry, anxiety, drama – when the scales tip away from Balance & Harmony towards Life Screwing Up.
The first thing that went wrong was the washing machine pipe, me thankfully hearing a splash because there sure as
heck was no leak to give me warning, so I lugged the appliance out and watched what was happening while the washer did its thing. Drainpipe not clearing; fairly minor, I can deal with that! Take the pipe apart! Didn’t solve it … in fact, after putting the pipe back together I think I’ve made it worse. But still … only a minor blip in the matrix. Then the next thing to crop up was some best friends’ comments about the instability of my bedroom floor (it’s a very old house). I was in conflict when they instructed me to GET THAT CARPET UP AND LOOK UNDER THERE THE MINUTE WE’VE GONE! because on the bright side it meant someone was finally validating my worries that the floor is unsafe (so many times I’ve been reassured by people to live with it, it’s an old house), but on the downside it began to dawn on me that the floor has been the same for the past year … and at this point it’s clear that I was right to remove all heavy furniture from the room and only go in there when absolutely necessary! The ‘what if’ scenarios don’t bear thinking about …
There have also been some other problems (this all in the past week, and a few this morning just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse), but I won’t bore you with those … suffice to say that when everything appeared to become a torrential downpour of calamities all the work I have done on myself in recent months seemed ineffectual, and I very quickly became that old person again … my former self, the one who gets in a tizz, weeps with worry about what’s going to happen while simultaneously considering 5 different outcomes – ugh, even typing it makes my head spin – generally someone whom I don’t want to be.
But an amazing, permanent change to my outlook was the constant questioning: what am I supposed to learn from this? Why is this all happening together, to teach me what? And when I faced things and began to get them sorted the sun started shining again, only a sunbeam at first, but the rays are brightening.
What was this new lesson? Shed the old skin. Don’t waste energy worrying when I haven’t even stepped up to the plate to
start resolving the problems … just face things, deal with them, and then deal with the fall-out (if there is any). One of the most alarming problems which arose this morning thankfully turned out to be a mistake, but I have put off seeing a professional to guard me against such a situation for ages. I didn’t want to spare the time, had other things to do. That scare this morning was a wake-up call. An appointment is now in place to deal with things and my eagnerness to be prepared is renewed. My backside has been firmly kicked. As for the main problem – the unsafe floor – my fears of going into conflict with my Landlord were unfounded and, quite frankly, a stupid waste of emotion and energy … the issues are going to be swiftly dealt with. This was a reminder to always see the good in people (a virtue somewhat quashed over time), to have faith, and to not presume a negative outcome.
So the work on myself will now continue with renewed vigour because I lapsed far too easily … I let my old self take over.
Yet the real lesson in all of this is registering that these are all just trivial, material problems. The victory is always in realising that we are healthy and well. That we are here. That life is good.
© www.mypastmademe.com 2011