I have written several sentences on this screen and deleted each one, not quite sure what to write. I want to post, want normality, but the world changed for me in February with the loss of a very dear friend. I think of him every day, more so on sunny days.
It is a tragedy that sometimes it takes the loss of a special soul to make us realise that we were not living. It all felt so dark at first, such a shock … but then my beliefs helped me through. In recent weeks I have cried more, but I can also look up and smile, and speak. I send love and healing to his loved ones and others feeling his loss … it eases the ache and makes me feel like I’m helping.
My heart is so heavy. To all those whom I’d ever sympathised with before, consoled for their loss, I never truly realised the depths of the pain. I have been so lucky, so blessed … just as I was to know this man, this special person who lit up everyone he met.
There are poems somewhere … I know I wrote a bit when the numbness began to fade, but I don’t know where they are. They will turn up, and I will register the rainbows once again … soon. But not yet.
I think this world is so harsh … not just in terms of Mother Nature’s wrath, or the terrible acts committed by some people, the reasons behind them … but in so many ways people just seem to barge their way through the world without taking stock, without caring or attending to others’ feelings. I will never fully understand why someone who was so genuine and honest had to leave so soon, and there will always be a chink in my heart … the scar of loss … a friend of many years with whom I shared an unspoken bond, someone who helped me through tough times and, I hope, took comfort from my words in hard times also. It was a privilege to watch him take flight … to soar, to accomplish, and ultimately find happiness with his soulmate whose grief I cannot imagine.
I sit here typing and I know I am not the same person I was when I started this blog. My priorities have changed, my values have deepened … I am altered. I value myself more now and I finally know exactly who I am. The path still stretches ahead of me, my destination uncertain … but the journey is wondrous and there are lanterns aglow way further than I can see. I miss my friend. I know he will always light a beacon for me to head towards when I begin to feel lost. It is an inner conflict that I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt, yet the world has dimmed and I can’t undo it. Acceptance is the only way forward, bolstered with love and hope.
Be kind to each other. Cherish those you love; tell them what they mean to you. I will be back soon. x