Unforeseen Diversion

"Stairs" Image courtesy of Adam Hickmott at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Stairs” image courtesy of Adam Hickmott at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

It was an unknown fragility

paper thin,

a crisp leaf underfoot

Growing up behind a gossamer veil

indiscernible,

masking my weaknesses

Now torn, a gaping hole

clarity abounds

with bitter obviosity

So I am left the fool.

My self-perception cradled

in the palm of my hand.

The facets of my personality

unknowingly attributed to something else.

My inner monologue shifting

between vitriolic criticism

and soothing compassion.

Pity is shunned

in the wake of a new freedom

discovering that I was on the underpass,

prevented from reaching the surface

where I now stand:

vulnerable

resilient

authentic.

My true self.

© mypastmademe.com 2015

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Stop. Go.

 

I have written several sentences on this screen and deleted each one, not quite sure what to write.  I want to post, want normality, but the world changed for me in February with the loss of a very dear friend.  I think of him every day, more so on sunny days.

It is a tragedy that sometimes it takes the loss of a special soul to make us realise that we were not living.  It all felt so dark at first, such a shock … but then my beliefs helped me through.  In recent weeks I have cried more, but I can also look up and smile, and speak.  I send love and healing to his loved ones and others feeling his loss … it eases the ache and makes me feel like I’m helping.

My heart is so heavy.  To all those whom I’d ever sympathised with before, consoled for their loss, I never truly realised the depths of the pain.  I have been so lucky, so blessed … just as I was to know this man, this special person who lit up everyone he met.

There are poems somewhere … I know I wrote a bit when the numbness began to fade, but I don’t know where they are.  They will turn up, and I will register the rainbows once again … soon.  But not yet.

I think this world is so harsh … not just in terms of Mother Nature’s wrath, or the terrible acts committed by some people, the reasons behind them … but in so many ways people just seem to barge their way through the world without taking stock, without caring or attending to others’ feelings.  I will never fully understand why someone who was so genuine and honest had to leave so soon, and there will always be a chink in my heart … the scar of loss … a friend of many years with whom I shared an unspoken bond, someone who helped me through tough times and, I hope, took comfort from my words in hard times also.  It was a privilege to watch him take flight … to soar, to accomplish, and ultimately find happiness with his soulmate whose grief I cannot imagine.

I sit here typing and I know I am not the same person I was when I started this blog.  My priorities have changed, my values have deepened … I am altered.  I value myself more now and I finally know exactly who I am.  The path still stretches ahead of me, my destination uncertain … but the journey is wondrous and there are lanterns aglow way further than I can see.  I miss my friend.  I know he will always light a beacon for me to head towards when I begin to feel lost.  It is an inner conflict that I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt, yet the world has dimmed and I can’t undo it.  Acceptance is the only way forward, bolstered with love and hope.

Be kind to each other.  Cherish those you love; tell them what they mean to you.  I will be back soon. x

 

Rainbow by Rosemary Ratcliff courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Reminder of the morn.

Sun And Sea by njaj courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sun And Sea by njaj courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The sun has set …

a moon of orange,

the prelude to an ending.

Singed with the emotions of today

sleep will journey us

towards another sunrise,

a new beginning

scorched with the memories of yesteryear.

© mypastmademe.com 2013

Glass half full

Sunrise Behind Trees by dan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A flurry of confusion has passed

trapped in a dizzying spin,

a cycle of questions

Trying to fill the void

which I myself create

Reaching out to others

though I hold the answers

within myself

No accessories needed

only the miracles borne from me

Life presented an unplanned reality

but this skittle is still standing

defying logic

© www.mypastmademe.com 2012

Essence

Splash Green by Idea go/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A mist descends

soft blanket of calm

Quelling the sadness

filling the void

Smiles step forth

The reins of seriousness are cut

Memories of carefree times

body succumbing to music

My form found

One foot planted

in a field of responsibility,

the other

longing for freedom

a splash of it

just sometimes

so I don’t forget

how to be me

© www.mypastmademe.com 2012