Alice in Dangerland

When did the ground start to open again?

  the black shadow darkness

  looming like a noose

How did I miss the sign

  telling me to stop

  before I fall?

Have I fallen yet?

Or am I standing on the edge

  of the abyss?

Nothing is falling past me,

  no clocks or rabbits

so I must still be safe

Yet danger is hugging me

  and sadness is choking me

Shall I just take the next step anyway?

  to feel the expectant relief

  of failure and stillness?

It feels harder to stand

  on the edge right now

When did I lose myself?

  and why is my soul fighting

  being found?

The answers are always the same

But the questions are forever changing

I’m so tired of it

Tired of myself

Lost.

Again.

© www.mypastmademe 2011

White Snow, Black Heart

Berry Snow Heart by Tina Phillips/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Mirror, mirror on the wall

  who is the ugliest one of all?

I am.

For all the times

  my mouth has released words

  that should have remained caged

For the hours, days, months

  when I wallowed, weakened,

  lost myself

  Drowned.

For the moments

  when I can’t see or hear others

  because I’m too absorbed with myself

For all the things

  I still have not corrected

I am.

˜˜˜

Mirror, mirror on the wall

  who is the most beautiful one of all?

I am.

For all the times

  I have found the strength to smile

  while my heart was breaking

For the hours, days, months

  that I know I suffered

  and survived

  Swam.

For the moments

  when I am not oblivious to the beauty in this world

  Trees.  Flowers.  Birdsong.

For all the things

  that I am and know I can be

I am.

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

The Fabric of Time

This poem is ‘forced’ and I think it shows … but I wanted to join in Luna’s Poetry Month Clambake (Week 1)  🙂

The clock ticking,

  the swell of my heart burdensome

  as emotions spill forth

The pillow sodden,

  tears absorbed, lost in the fabric

Memories flickering like a cinema reel

  age 8, carefree

  age 13, shy and unworldly

  age 23, believing, hopeful

  29, broken.

Tick tock

Time doesn’t stop

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Thanks Luna!

Fool

Full Moon Over Water by Exsodus/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Foolish, foolish heart of mine

  so willing to fall, so blind

Gentle he was when it suited

  hiding behind a mask

The lies thick as the dead night

And somewhere on a moonlit pond

  lies my shattered heart

  my broken dreams

  and the loss of all that I thought I had

So now the tears fall

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

You

You

You have lit the flame again

  glowing pale blue and orange

  heating my heart

    and melting the ice

You

With your simple ideals

  and complicated past

  mirroring my own

  connected by pain

You

A comedian, a friend

  unassuming and innocent

  as unreachable as the moon

You

I have to thank

  even when the guilt descends

  even when the tears will come

You

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Permission

Butterflies rampant,

  plumes exploding

My head fighting my heart

  my heart fooling everyone

Just a taste,

  a glimmer?

Is that allowed?

The nonsense makes no sense

Nothing adding up

Which way to turn,

  how much more to suffer?

Guilt is waiting again

To abandon, to desert

  to rot under a blanket of woe

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Empty

Emptyness has taken hold

  and stolen my emotions,

  my sympathy

So cold inside

  I have nothing to offer

Confusion has me in its path

  storming towards me

And I cannot move

  cannot see

Everything discoloured

  my life fading to grey

Two angels sleeping nearby

  my life, my reason

  pieces of me existing outside of my body

Why did he slash my heart,

  score it, dice it?

I was a fool

  besotted, betrayed

The disease was there all along

  holding hands with deceit

A new crossroads

  but this time a blizzard

  the signs obscured

  and two young hearts to crush

But what of mine?

What of my sorrow?

  my pain?

What lesson is this

  to be learned, endured?

Always trusting,

  eternally the fool

A leap of faith?

  or a plunge to death?

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Losing

There are times when my eyes shine black

when all the anger spills from me like a burst dam

And I loathe myself for it

I flit from beautifying myself to despising my reflection

The mirror bleeds with pity and spitefulness

Was I always this way or was I manufactured?

He is still winning in those fleeting moments

  when I wonder if it really was my fault

  whether I asked for those fists to rein down on me

  when there must have been a reason for him to be repelled

And then my face softens

My shield goes up in protection

  and I know it wasn’t my fault

My situation is my cage

I feel like an injured bird

  with my wings clipped and sore

How long will recovery take?

When will I find the clearing in the woods?

  with the blue sky to laze beneath

  and the soft breeze to kiss my face

Long blades of grass and flowerbeds with roses

My body dipped in peace and serenity

I keep searching and running

I just want to reach the finish line

  before something inside me dies

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Hopeless

How could someone touch me like this?

Have this hold on me

So strong I can hardly breathe

Longing to look into his eyes

Forever and a day

Worried for the way I feel

Knowing how hopeless this all is

Seeing him with her every night,

  every morning

What makes me want to do to another

  what someone did to me?

Wanting to take and keep

Believing he holds the key

  to my happiness

  and the relief of my lust

I see that I will hurt more

  even than I do now

And I fool myself that I don’t love him

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011