Self Destruction

 

Dreams by Kenneth Cratty/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I take an unsteady step

my foot placed firmly on the path

neon dreams glowing in the distance

Crack!

The ground opens before me

a gaping crevice

the steam of rejection misting upwards from the earth

Dare I walk ahead

where the ground crumbles?

Easier not to try …

Safer to return to what I know

especially when so weary

my body weighted with negativity

my arms heavy as lead

But now I notice my hands

wielding a sledgehammer

How long have I been the saboteur of my own destiny?

www.mypastmademe.com 2012

 

Last train to Realisation.

Door Open To New World by basketman/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enough now.

Time to live.

Time to grab life with both hands.

I have emerged from the darkness,

  my cheeks glistening,

  my conscience clear,

  my heart full.

Prosperous I am not,

  but riches I am blessed with.

I can follow my dreams,

  walk into the sunset

  holding hands smaller than mine.

Together we are happy.

Together we are invincible.

Alone is a word I no longer recognise.

I am Mother …

Hear me sing.

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

 

Sunset to Sunrise, Part II: Sunrise

Dawn by dan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Am I being told

  to wait

  stop looking

  not to be distracted by others?

Maybe I am to believe that bolt of knowledge …

My heart weighs heavy.

As I held that gorgeous lock of hair

  the emotion felt so powerful,

  a love so strong …

The root of belief has burrowed deep,

  so hard to destroy,

  to erase from my mind.

How can I miss someone I’ve never been close to?

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

 

Sunset to Sunrise, Part I: Sunset

Carnarvon by Alexis/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Last night in my slumbers

I held a lock of his hair

So soft between my fingers,

  so vivid

  so real

Then all day the tears wanting to surge

Wondering if that was my goodbye,

  my farewell to the dream of him

Knowing it will never be,

  despite being so convinced

So I admit now that

  I fell in love with him a little

With his words,

  his smile,

  his creativity,

  sensitivity

A love lost in dreams.

It was such a beautiful dream.

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

 

Deluded prediction.

Coming Of Night by prozac1/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confusion reigns once again

But having no bearing on my life right now,

  only the footpath to my future.

After all this time,

  I start to wonder if he is the one

  sprinkling the breadcrumbs,

  but I didn’t know I was supposed to follow.

Was the vulture always meant to devour them first?

  Devour him first?

The temptress was a lesson,

  a means of waking me to my feelings?

He was the one to cause a stir

  at the very beginning.

I must have this wrong …

  he is The One?

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

 

Impossible Possibility.

Burning Heart by chrisroll/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

It can’t be you!

  With your excruciating honesty

  and your unashamedly blunt opinions …

I am too sensitive a creature for you!

  With my worrying ways

  and heart pinned to my sleeve …

I know you have felt the same pain,

  deception ripping you to the core.

Even the years of devotion

  amount to the same number.

I know I love being in your company,

  your smile lighting up the room,

  opening a door in my heart.

But I didn’t think it was you …

It can’t be you?

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

 

An honest deception.

Starry Night Dark Blue by nuttakit/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I deceive my mind.

I am not lonely, I say.

I am content.  Happy.

And this is true,

but it does not mean

that in the quiet of the night

when my babes are sleeping

and I lie still, pondering my thoughts,

that my skin does not scream for his touch,

that I can stop myself imagining

  the feel of his arms around me,

  the heat of his body next to mine,

  the taste of his lips,

  and the whisper of his voice.

He is faceless, this destiny of mine,

yet he leaves me wanting.

And waiting.

I know he will find me.

When the time is right, I will recognise his face.

A long time from now.

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Truth or Done

A rare rhymed poem … (old)

˜˜˜

Why is it so hard to tell the truth?

  so much easier than inflicting emotional abuse

Honest I’ve always been

  and honest I’ll stay

But maybe that’s why

  I’m feeling this way

Forever the fool, to comfort and help,

  being stepped on and squashed,

  but never a yelp

Just when I thought

  we were getting somewhere

I find myself dejected

  and struggling with what’s fair

Why can’t he see

  that trust is so fragile?

Quickly broken,

  and earned back in miles

made of the thinnest glass

  and of the clearest colour

Once it is broken,

  it couldn’t be duller

And if it smashes

  it takes forever to build

Pain and tears

  and feelings killed

So where do I start with it?

  What do I do?

  How can we ever start anew?

Or is it time to say “it’s done”?

We tried togetherness,

  tried to be one

And it’s not me who let

  the glass ball drop

Once he told one lie,

  he couldn’t stop

So I’m stood at the crossroads,

  and the signs are unclear

Hard to read

  through all the tears

Should I give one more chance,

  give him the best of me?

I’ve spent so long believing

  that he’s my destiny

So I sit here and write,

  waiting for a sign

Please, oh please

  come and tell me you’re mine!

And that there’ll be no more fabrications,

  no more lies to undo

Because all I’ve ever wanted

  is you

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011