Inescapable unfurling.

%22Pink Plumeria%22 by rakratchada torsap

“Pink Plumeria” by rakratchada torsap courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalImages.net

It’s too late!

The emotions have taken hold,

the connection solidified

and I am doomed.

This time there is no door to shut

there is only openness

Inexplicable ease

Safety

With no idea or sense of any reciprocation

I will now have to mask what is blossoming

So unexpected

and utterly inescapable.

I never meant for the flowers to bloom …

the petals unfurling

for you.

© mypastmademe.com 2016

Expansion.

 

I can feel the burgeoning swell in my chest

%22Input%22 by Idea go

“Input” by Idea go courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

an expansion

making room for you

amidst my grief

A longing has surfaced

undeniable

immutable

a door opened in my mind

the gateway to my heart

Tears threaten

wondering what will be

whether futility will mock

so I cling to signs

Symbols of mutual feeling

where there might be none

since you grieve too

Wondering if this knowing

resides only in my imagination

Awoken by the complete trust

fearful that I’m already falling

Hopeful that you feel it too

If not now, then one day

Soon.

© mypastmademe.com 2016

 

Peaceful infusion

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

The once fervent grasp

  beseeching

  searching

has loosened.

Wilted by the sun

drained of vigour

diminished.

The focus turns to self

  diffused of anger

  infused with peace

  bemused at the past.

The predatory pain quashed

leaving my heart free

and my dreams alive.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Pinball denial

Standing Out Metallic Balls Shows Leadership by Stuart Miles courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Standing Out Metallic Balls Shows Leadership by Stuart Miles courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

You filter in and out of my dreams

Soft-focus images just beyond my grasp

The signs I asked for only confused

A metal ball rolling around

I smack against the hard walls

crack my armour, bruise my core

Was the visual image misleading?

Seeking external perfection

when really the gold lies within,

the shining heart

shafts of truth and loyalty

bursts of protection

Hands outstretched,

but help is not needed

just my company desired

my smile, my being

Please reach out to me

For I don’t recognise you …

(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014

Ponderings

I am in reflective mode, having come across some poems written in 2012 … the constant theme of searching, such as has appeared in so many of my poems. It is strange to think that I spent so many of my years searching, as far back as I can remember, yet now I find myself at peace. It is more of an effort now not to close the door and I have to remind myself to be available to let love in …

As a teenager, those inevitable moments when puberty has us lost in our own darkness, struggling to fit in, fighting to be noticed and loved … a fight that so often results in a match with someone so unmatchable we are blind to it, I would always say to myself, “There’s a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy.” So as an adult I realise the truth is that love binds a mish-mash of people together – boys to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys, girls to girls etc – but love itself, that indefinable something that electrifies us to another person, is still so elusive for those who go looking for it. I think, if I’m completely honest, looking back, I was still searching in my head even when I believed I was happy. A happiness that was vapid really, built on sand because I chose to turn a blind eye to so many things … but all that matters not now.

Here we are in this moment, these present minutes, and all that matters right this second is this screen and the tapping of my fingers, forming words to convey how I feel, filling this space in time with my thoughts. The realms I exist in now are so different to what I have ever known before. Yes, I miss the feel of another’s lips on mine, the brush of a hand across my face, the warmth emanating from another soul towards me and offering intimacy, someone who basks in who I am … but these thoughts are only fleeting reminders of physical elements which do not make up a whole, nor do they represent what I was ever really looking for.

I don’t know if I should feel sad that I am no longer searching; should I grieve for a habit, a belief, which saw me through the bad times? No … I inwardly rejoice that my inner peace broke the chains and now I exist to live, to bring happiness to those around me, to do my best, to try to achieve my dreams … and it is strange that in all the things I think of I am no longer adding on this silhouette of a man, the faceless soulmate, to stand alongside me. It is only now that I realise no-one could ever love me more than I love myself; it is a mistake I made for so long. To know our own self-worth – to expect and accept the best of someone – can only happen if we love ourselves to start with. And I love myself enough to stop looking … to bask in this moment, to absorb everything around me and try to exude happiness and bring it out in others. This is my service. This is what fills me with love and makes me happy.

And that faceless man … the long-ago harboured dream … he will recognise me, if that is what’s meant to be, and I will recognise him. But in the meantime I will wedge the door open, tempted so much as I am to shut it completely, and continue on the path I’m on. For this contentedness is so special … and life is far too precious to be wasted on searching for something that might never be. I love myself enough … to be enough.

All is well. May happiness find you and contentedness envelop you. Search only for yourself, not someone else. x

Vision of certainty.

Sunbeams In Forest by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sunbeams In Forest by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no logic to the way I feel

No sense

Nor sensibility

I have imagined so many

Across a spans long gone

All who called to me

on a level only I felt

None of whom projected

what I thought I perceived

And I could let the darkness back in

Tread on the glass, drink the fear

but I am bathed with light

The shining realisation

that he will materialise one day

and reconnect to my soul

make sense of the world

and accept me wholly, gratefully

Lucid thoughts

packed away

compacted.

He will find me.

© http://www.mypastmademe.com 2013