Healed.

What of these years?

The transference from weak to strong

What of those thoughts?

Lifted from darkness to white light

A puncture of time

Wallpaper Blue by Idea go courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Wallpaper Blue by Idea go courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

distilled sadness

bottled, diluted

evaporated by contentment

That easy feeling of self-love

a cessation of searching

For under every stone

behind every tree

I find myself

My soul staring back at me

life force illuminated

guardian’s wings enveloping

encouraging me forwards

 

© mypastmademe.com 2014

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Ponderings

I am in reflective mode, having come across some poems written in 2012 … the constant theme of searching, such as has appeared in so many of my poems. It is strange to think that I spent so many of my years searching, as far back as I can remember, yet now I find myself at peace. It is more of an effort now not to close the door and I have to remind myself to be available to let love in …

As a teenager, those inevitable moments when puberty has us lost in our own darkness, struggling to fit in, fighting to be noticed and loved … a fight that so often results in a match with someone so unmatchable we are blind to it, I would always say to myself, “There’s a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy.” So as an adult I realise the truth is that love binds a mish-mash of people together – boys to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys, girls to girls etc – but love itself, that indefinable something that electrifies us to another person, is still so elusive for those who go looking for it. I think, if I’m completely honest, looking back, I was still searching in my head even when I believed I was happy. A happiness that was vapid really, built on sand because I chose to turn a blind eye to so many things … but all that matters not now.

Here we are in this moment, these present minutes, and all that matters right this second is this screen and the tapping of my fingers, forming words to convey how I feel, filling this space in time with my thoughts. The realms I exist in now are so different to what I have ever known before. Yes, I miss the feel of another’s lips on mine, the brush of a hand across my face, the warmth emanating from another soul towards me and offering intimacy, someone who basks in who I am … but these thoughts are only fleeting reminders of physical elements which do not make up a whole, nor do they represent what I was ever really looking for.

I don’t know if I should feel sad that I am no longer searching; should I grieve for a habit, a belief, which saw me through the bad times? No … I inwardly rejoice that my inner peace broke the chains and now I exist to live, to bring happiness to those around me, to do my best, to try to achieve my dreams … and it is strange that in all the things I think of I am no longer adding on this silhouette of a man, the faceless soulmate, to stand alongside me. It is only now that I realise no-one could ever love me more than I love myself; it is a mistake I made for so long. To know our own self-worth – to expect and accept the best of someone – can only happen if we love ourselves to start with. And I love myself enough to stop looking … to bask in this moment, to absorb everything around me and try to exude happiness and bring it out in others. This is my service. This is what fills me with love and makes me happy.

And that faceless man … the long-ago harboured dream … he will recognise me, if that is what’s meant to be, and I will recognise him. But in the meantime I will wedge the door open, tempted so much as I am to shut it completely, and continue on the path I’m on. For this contentedness is so special … and life is far too precious to be wasted on searching for something that might never be. I love myself enough … to be enough.

All is well. May happiness find you and contentedness envelop you. Search only for yourself, not someone else. x

Anticipatory mantra

Balancing Zen Stones In Water by Master isolated images courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Balancing Zen Stones In Water by Master isolated images courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

I know not of the feel of a partner’s arms

the security and serenity of another’s love

I know not of beautified glances

the pleasurable allure of someone entranced

I care not for the material

the matter borne from money

I seek the vibrancy of a transcendent connection

the attraction and root pull of the core

I yearn not to wait,

not to know,

only to live

Keep the fire burning

and acknowledge the flicker of a new dawn

Embrace the deliverance

of inner peace

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Deletion of Fear

 

Sailing The Memory Stock Photo by sattva courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sailing The Memory Stock Photo by sattva courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Inscriptions of rejection are dissolved

The passage of time has healed the wounds

I stand alone, determining my direction

I want to eliminate my past

folding the lessons within

It is hard to keep the walls down

resist the urge to protect

Fear of being hurt again collides

with the courage to reveal myself

The time has come to open the gates

and let someone in.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Angelic Inspiration

 

Golden Angel On White image courtesy of artur84 at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Golden Angel On White image courtesy of artur84 at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Nearly a year has passed

An arch of time

an ache within many hearts

Enveloped in reminders

thoughts left unsaid

Your smile steering me

your will inspiring

These things are decided

events which cannot be undone

Tears still flow

and you are still not here

I ask for help

in believing that you are.

© mypastmademe.com 2014