Blind.

dirty-background-with-broken-heart-by-fotographic1980

“Dirty Background With Broken Heart” by fotographic1980 courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

It was the safest place

being wrapped in your arms …

I can still feel the touch of your skin,

the warmth of your embrace

All those precious moments now lost,

bleeding from my heart,

the searing recognition of what I once had

Crippling pain,

regret and guilt suffocating

Never to hear your laugh again,

or look into those bright blue eyes,

hear your voice soften as you reassure,

so blind to the gift that was right in front of me.

Eternally sorry,

I am broken

without you,

my love.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

Celestial Wishes.

Spirit by dan

“Spirit” by dan courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

My love,

May you brighten up the velvet nights

a diamond amongst the stars.

May you paint magnificent rainbows

as you watch us from afar.

May you know I would do anything just for one more day,

I still have so much to tell you, so much more I need to say.

May you still remember the best of me,

may you somehow know the truth.

May you feel the neverending love

we will always have for you.

May we feel you stand beside us

seeing you without sight

May you share in the joy you gave us,

our beacon, our guiding light.

May you realise I still loved you,

always will, my precious soul

… that the words were said inside my head

… that you still made me whole

May you know I am lost without you,

my love, my dear, my sweet,

my heart now barely beating …

each day the greatest feat.

May you feel my thanks, my gratitude

for everything we shared

we packed so much in those few years

I still deeply loved and cared.

May you soar like an eagle,

my beautiful, innocent man,

not feel any sorrow or worry

… I’ll do the best I can.

May you walk alongside our children

feel their laughter, stem their tears,

guide them, love them, watch them

give them comfort through their fears.

May you always know the truth

of the feelings I still held for you,

that if I’d recognised my stubbornness

I’d have rushed to start anew.

Oh my love, I feel so broken

You are no longer here

So many things we went through,

now everything is clear.

Life, it overtook us,

clouded up our view;

something once so precious and perfect

took on a rusty hue.

We let our love escape, but you found it within again

yet I selfishly denied my own

fearful, too proud  … and then

God took you

and destroyed me

I’ll never understand.

And it was only then I realised

that you’d always held my hand.

© mypastmademe.com 2016

 

Eternal coupling.

Hearts Chained Forever by Danilo Rizzuti

Hearts Chained Forever by Danilo Rizzuti courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I will be chained to you for eternity

a glistening trail of links

attaching me to you

so that your name,

your voice,

your love,

your essence

is imprinted upon my heart.

Each tear a tribute to you,

each day a remembrance of you.

Infinitely yours

Finitely broken

God help me.

©www.mypastmademe.com 2016

 

 

The Heart’s Ruse.

Digital Background by dream designs

Digital Background by dream designs courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sometimes we are so desperate to forgive

that the mind succeeds

but the heart unknowingly stalls

It is an illusion of forgiveness.

A spiteful, cruel, malicious trick

so that when your gift has gone

you are left empty

because the dam bursts

after the target has evaporated.

No more comfort

No more sharing

No more oneness

Left with the true meaning of

Alone.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

Spurious Barricade.

Art Background by smokedsalmon

Art Background by smokedsalmon courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The swell of grief entombs me

traps my spirit

caged

crushed.

When I smile

guilt soaks me

the sting of tears mocking.

A barrage of realisations,

revealing what I let die

the beauty I suffocated

in my eagerness to be free.

Except I never asked for my freedom …

you chose it

and then I locked you out.

All my promises of love

washed away by my own selfishness.

So now regret consumes me

and my only reason to carry on

is the legacy you left.

How I wish you hadn’t

left me.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

 

 

Futile rupture

Broken Heart Sign, Loss Of Love Concept by cuteimage

Broken Heart Sign, Loss Of Love Concept by cuteimage courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have waded through problems

Trudged forwards

for years

Shining at times,

illuminated by my determination

Gilded with hope for a future

without pain

Buried my love for you

shielded my heart

bound it tightly

… so even those 3 words

couldn’t break it open

Then one morning

the phone call

And my heart shattered.

The love ruptured

pouring from the depths of my being

with nowhere to go

Such a blind, selfish fool

I was

Now wracked with guilt

Ravaged by regret

You were my beacon all along

My love.

My soulmate.

My loss.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

Angelic Inspiration

 

Golden Angel On White image courtesy of artur84 at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Golden Angel On White image courtesy of artur84 at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Nearly a year has passed

An arch of time

an ache within many hearts

Enveloped in reminders

thoughts left unsaid

Your smile steering me

your will inspiring

These things are decided

events which cannot be undone

Tears still flow

and you are still not here

I ask for help

in believing that you are.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Stop. Go.

 

I have written several sentences on this screen and deleted each one, not quite sure what to write.  I want to post, want normality, but the world changed for me in February with the loss of a very dear friend.  I think of him every day, more so on sunny days.

It is a tragedy that sometimes it takes the loss of a special soul to make us realise that we were not living.  It all felt so dark at first, such a shock … but then my beliefs helped me through.  In recent weeks I have cried more, but I can also look up and smile, and speak.  I send love and healing to his loved ones and others feeling his loss … it eases the ache and makes me feel like I’m helping.

My heart is so heavy.  To all those whom I’d ever sympathised with before, consoled for their loss, I never truly realised the depths of the pain.  I have been so lucky, so blessed … just as I was to know this man, this special person who lit up everyone he met.

There are poems somewhere … I know I wrote a bit when the numbness began to fade, but I don’t know where they are.  They will turn up, and I will register the rainbows once again … soon.  But not yet.

I think this world is so harsh … not just in terms of Mother Nature’s wrath, or the terrible acts committed by some people, the reasons behind them … but in so many ways people just seem to barge their way through the world without taking stock, without caring or attending to others’ feelings.  I will never fully understand why someone who was so genuine and honest had to leave so soon, and there will always be a chink in my heart … the scar of loss … a friend of many years with whom I shared an unspoken bond, someone who helped me through tough times and, I hope, took comfort from my words in hard times also.  It was a privilege to watch him take flight … to soar, to accomplish, and ultimately find happiness with his soulmate whose grief I cannot imagine.

I sit here typing and I know I am not the same person I was when I started this blog.  My priorities have changed, my values have deepened … I am altered.  I value myself more now and I finally know exactly who I am.  The path still stretches ahead of me, my destination uncertain … but the journey is wondrous and there are lanterns aglow way further than I can see.  I miss my friend.  I know he will always light a beacon for me to head towards when I begin to feel lost.  It is an inner conflict that I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt, yet the world has dimmed and I can’t undo it.  Acceptance is the only way forward, bolstered with love and hope.

Be kind to each other.  Cherish those you love; tell them what they mean to you.  I will be back soon. x

 

Rainbow by Rosemary Ratcliff courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Reminder of the morn.

Sun And Sea by njaj courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sun And Sea by njaj courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The sun has set …

a moon of orange,

the prelude to an ending.

Singed with the emotions of today

sleep will journey us

towards another sunrise,

a new beginning

scorched with the memories of yesteryear.

© mypastmademe.com 2013