Perpetual absorption

Smoke On The Black Background by foto76

Smoke On The Black Background by foto76 courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You are in my mind

and all around me,

a translucent vapour.

My wreath of obsession.

Encircling,

settling,

consuming.

I want to keep you there:

nested,

within reach.

Until I face my fears

and draw you near.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

 

 

 

Fatal Recognition

Images bombard me,

plumes of butterflies

whenever I see

your beautiful face

All day long

The fear evaporated,

obstacles pushed away

knowing the inevitable truth

Drinking in every encounter,

awash with certainty

Breathless with anticipation

I yield.

© mypastmademe.com 2015

Entranced

The energy has shifted,

my defences down,

revealing something of my true self.

Finally.

I am alive when I think of you,

yearning to lay beside you,

listen to the story of your life,

soothed by the lilt of your voice,

transfixed by those amber eyes,

lifted by the strength emanating from you,

protected in a way I have never known before.

You still and awaken me

simultaneously.

I am left powerless,

the allure enveloping,

the endearment of your quiet vulnerability

consuming.

It is only a matter of time

and I no longer wish to run.

© mypastmademe.com 2015

 

 

 

Embryonic Recognition

"Romantic book" image by dan courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Romantic book” image by dan courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have tried to keep the door shut

but your eyes have wedged it open

Pools of beauty,

drawing me in

I see right through you

My transparency probably equal

My will to run,

to resist,

much greater

Angst about disruption

disorder

chaos

Fear of hurt,

everything that could go wrong

a barricade to all that might be perfect

Yet there is a song in my heart

placed there by you

So whilst the ending is unknown

and the beginning is in question

I cannot deny

that with you

there is a story waiting to be told.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Peaceful infusion

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

The once fervent grasp

  beseeching

  searching

has loosened.

Wilted by the sun

drained of vigour

diminished.

The focus turns to self

  diffused of anger

  infused with peace

  bemused at the past.

The predatory pain quashed

leaving my heart free

and my dreams alive.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Mind over heart

Candlestick Encrusted Heart Shape by koko-tewan courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Candlestick Encrusted Heart Shape by koko-tewan courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

A candle burns

the flame tapered

as hot as the passion

inscribed on their faces

Lovers cradling hearts

mouths exploring

skin on fire

for the other’s touch

She yields to him

handing over lock and key

her biggest sin

unto herself

Yield, by all means,

but the key …

hoard it

hide it

unless he succumbs wholly

offers everything of himself

for a love that will burn endlessly

 

© mypastmademe.com 2014

Farewell.

Green Field And Rainbow by Anusorn P nachol courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Green Field And Rainbow by Anusorn P nachol courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

You left a blueprint on my heart

Taught me what I needed to know,

the qualities I should expect,

how I should be cherished.

It was never meant to be

yet we were linked,

locked,

on another level

from a distant past,

forgotten lives.

You roused my memory,

awoke my heart

and now you are free.

Soar, my love

Angelic lesson

You will leave rainbows in your wake.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

One Fine Day.

Reed by Vlado courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Reed by Vlado courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

As I sit here now

do the stars glint for me?

Shimmer their beauty

The dead night lit by diamonds

Blackness that once matched my heart

My beat, my soul

glows with love

Time shifts, a chasm before me

To step back to yesterday

A world whiled away in an instant

Or to bend … a reed folding into tomorrow

‘Tis hardest staying still

Fixed in my disillusions

Battling the desire

to have someone by my side

A protector, lover of life

of me

Arms will wrap around me

reassurance will envelop again

This purgatory will dissolve

and stoke the fires of passion

nurture that which was once broken

One fine day.

 

(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014

Ponderings

I am in reflective mode, having come across some poems written in 2012 … the constant theme of searching, such as has appeared in so many of my poems. It is strange to think that I spent so many of my years searching, as far back as I can remember, yet now I find myself at peace. It is more of an effort now not to close the door and I have to remind myself to be available to let love in …

As a teenager, those inevitable moments when puberty has us lost in our own darkness, struggling to fit in, fighting to be noticed and loved … a fight that so often results in a match with someone so unmatchable we are blind to it, I would always say to myself, “There’s a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy.” So as an adult I realise the truth is that love binds a mish-mash of people together – boys to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys, girls to girls etc – but love itself, that indefinable something that electrifies us to another person, is still so elusive for those who go looking for it. I think, if I’m completely honest, looking back, I was still searching in my head even when I believed I was happy. A happiness that was vapid really, built on sand because I chose to turn a blind eye to so many things … but all that matters not now.

Here we are in this moment, these present minutes, and all that matters right this second is this screen and the tapping of my fingers, forming words to convey how I feel, filling this space in time with my thoughts. The realms I exist in now are so different to what I have ever known before. Yes, I miss the feel of another’s lips on mine, the brush of a hand across my face, the warmth emanating from another soul towards me and offering intimacy, someone who basks in who I am … but these thoughts are only fleeting reminders of physical elements which do not make up a whole, nor do they represent what I was ever really looking for.

I don’t know if I should feel sad that I am no longer searching; should I grieve for a habit, a belief, which saw me through the bad times? No … I inwardly rejoice that my inner peace broke the chains and now I exist to live, to bring happiness to those around me, to do my best, to try to achieve my dreams … and it is strange that in all the things I think of I am no longer adding on this silhouette of a man, the faceless soulmate, to stand alongside me. It is only now that I realise no-one could ever love me more than I love myself; it is a mistake I made for so long. To know our own self-worth – to expect and accept the best of someone – can only happen if we love ourselves to start with. And I love myself enough to stop looking … to bask in this moment, to absorb everything around me and try to exude happiness and bring it out in others. This is my service. This is what fills me with love and makes me happy.

And that faceless man … the long-ago harboured dream … he will recognise me, if that is what’s meant to be, and I will recognise him. But in the meantime I will wedge the door open, tempted so much as I am to shut it completely, and continue on the path I’m on. For this contentedness is so special … and life is far too precious to be wasted on searching for something that might never be. I love myself enough … to be enough.

All is well. May happiness find you and contentedness envelop you. Search only for yourself, not someone else. x

Vision of certainty.

Sunbeams In Forest by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sunbeams In Forest by Evgeni Dinev courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no logic to the way I feel

No sense

Nor sensibility

I have imagined so many

Across a spans long gone

All who called to me

on a level only I felt

None of whom projected

what I thought I perceived

And I could let the darkness back in

Tread on the glass, drink the fear

but I am bathed with light

The shining realisation

that he will materialise one day

and reconnect to my soul

make sense of the world

and accept me wholly, gratefully

Lucid thoughts

packed away

compacted.

He will find me.

© http://www.mypastmademe.com 2013