Perpetual absorption

Smoke On The Black Background by foto76

Smoke On The Black Background by foto76 courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You are in my mind

and all around me,

a translucent vapour.

My wreath of obsession.

Encircling,

settling,

consuming.

I want to keep you there:

nested,

within reach.

Until I face my fears

and draw you near.

©mypastmademe.com 2016

 

 

 

Advertisements

Unforeseen Diversion

"Stairs" Image courtesy of Adam Hickmott at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“Stairs” image courtesy of Adam Hickmott at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

It was an unknown fragility

paper thin,

a crisp leaf underfoot

Growing up behind a gossamer veil

indiscernible,

masking my weaknesses

Now torn, a gaping hole

clarity abounds

with bitter obviosity

So I am left the fool.

My self-perception cradled

in the palm of my hand.

The facets of my personality

unknowingly attributed to something else.

My inner monologue shifting

between vitriolic criticism

and soothing compassion.

Pity is shunned

in the wake of a new freedom

discovering that I was on the underpass,

prevented from reaching the surface

where I now stand:

vulnerable

resilient

authentic.

My true self.

© mypastmademe.com 2015

Peaceful infusion

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

The once fervent grasp

  beseeching

  searching

has loosened.

Wilted by the sun

drained of vigour

diminished.

The focus turns to self

  diffused of anger

  infused with peace

  bemused at the past.

The predatory pain quashed

leaving my heart free

and my dreams alive.

© mypastmademe.com 2014

One Fine Day.

Reed by Vlado courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Reed by Vlado courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

As I sit here now

do the stars glint for me?

Shimmer their beauty

The dead night lit by diamonds

Blackness that once matched my heart

My beat, my soul

glows with love

Time shifts, a chasm before me

To step back to yesterday

A world whiled away in an instant

Or to bend … a reed folding into tomorrow

‘Tis hardest staying still

Fixed in my disillusions

Battling the desire

to have someone by my side

A protector, lover of life

of me

Arms will wrap around me

reassurance will envelop again

This purgatory will dissolve

and stoke the fires of passion

nurture that which was once broken

One fine day.

 

(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014

Abeyance

A Male Angel On Patrol by farconville courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

A Male Angel On Patrol by farconville courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Weariness strangles me

The thief of time delights

Another day of ill achievement

the waiting list shelved

so the demon conscience mocks

Prompting the angel wings to spread

The span high and wide

Serenity and encouragement step forth

  and so I remove the noose

  threatening to choke me

My failings laid bare

My fears eschewed

For now at least …

(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014

Ponderings

I am in reflective mode, having come across some poems written in 2012 … the constant theme of searching, such as has appeared in so many of my poems. It is strange to think that I spent so many of my years searching, as far back as I can remember, yet now I find myself at peace. It is more of an effort now not to close the door and I have to remind myself to be available to let love in …

As a teenager, those inevitable moments when puberty has us lost in our own darkness, struggling to fit in, fighting to be noticed and loved … a fight that so often results in a match with someone so unmatchable we are blind to it, I would always say to myself, “There’s a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy.” So as an adult I realise the truth is that love binds a mish-mash of people together – boys to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys, girls to girls etc – but love itself, that indefinable something that electrifies us to another person, is still so elusive for those who go looking for it. I think, if I’m completely honest, looking back, I was still searching in my head even when I believed I was happy. A happiness that was vapid really, built on sand because I chose to turn a blind eye to so many things … but all that matters not now.

Here we are in this moment, these present minutes, and all that matters right this second is this screen and the tapping of my fingers, forming words to convey how I feel, filling this space in time with my thoughts. The realms I exist in now are so different to what I have ever known before. Yes, I miss the feel of another’s lips on mine, the brush of a hand across my face, the warmth emanating from another soul towards me and offering intimacy, someone who basks in who I am … but these thoughts are only fleeting reminders of physical elements which do not make up a whole, nor do they represent what I was ever really looking for.

I don’t know if I should feel sad that I am no longer searching; should I grieve for a habit, a belief, which saw me through the bad times? No … I inwardly rejoice that my inner peace broke the chains and now I exist to live, to bring happiness to those around me, to do my best, to try to achieve my dreams … and it is strange that in all the things I think of I am no longer adding on this silhouette of a man, the faceless soulmate, to stand alongside me. It is only now that I realise no-one could ever love me more than I love myself; it is a mistake I made for so long. To know our own self-worth – to expect and accept the best of someone – can only happen if we love ourselves to start with. And I love myself enough to stop looking … to bask in this moment, to absorb everything around me and try to exude happiness and bring it out in others. This is my service. This is what fills me with love and makes me happy.

And that faceless man … the long-ago harboured dream … he will recognise me, if that is what’s meant to be, and I will recognise him. But in the meantime I will wedge the door open, tempted so much as I am to shut it completely, and continue on the path I’m on. For this contentedness is so special … and life is far too precious to be wasted on searching for something that might never be. I love myself enough … to be enough.

All is well. May happiness find you and contentedness envelop you. Search only for yourself, not someone else. x

Anticipatory mantra

Balancing Zen Stones In Water by Master isolated images courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Balancing Zen Stones In Water by Master isolated images courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

I know not of the feel of a partner’s arms

the security and serenity of another’s love

I know not of beautified glances

the pleasurable allure of someone entranced

I care not for the material

the matter borne from money

I seek the vibrancy of a transcendent connection

the attraction and root pull of the core

I yearn not to wait,

not to know,

only to live

Keep the fire burning

and acknowledge the flicker of a new dawn

Embrace the deliverance

of inner peace

© mypastmademe.com 2014