Smoke On The Black Background by foto76 courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
You are in my mind
and all around me,
a translucent vapour.
My wreath of obsession.
Encircling,
settling,
consuming.
I want to keep you there:
nested,
within reach.
Until I face my fears
and draw you near.
©mypastmademe.com 2016
“Stairs” image courtesy of Adam Hickmott at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It was an unknown fragility
paper thin,
a crisp leaf underfoot
Growing up behind a gossamer veil
indiscernible,
masking my weaknesses
Now torn, a gaping hole
clarity abounds
with bitter obviosity
So I am left the fool.
My self-perception cradled
in the palm of my hand.
The facets of my personality
unknowingly attributed to something else.
My inner monologue shifting
between vitriolic criticism
and soothing compassion.
Pity is shunned
in the wake of a new freedom
discovering that I was on the underpass,
prevented from reaching the surface
where I now stand:
vulnerable
resilient
authentic.
My true self.
© mypastmademe.com 2015
Heart Shaped Cloud by tokyoboy courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
The once fervent grasp
beseeching
searching
has loosened.
Wilted by the sun
drained of vigour
diminished.
The focus turns to self
diffused of anger
infused with peace
bemused at the past.
The predatory pain quashed
leaving my heart free
and my dreams alive.
© mypastmademe.com 2014
Reed by Vlado courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
As I sit here now
do the stars glint for me?
Shimmer their beauty
The dead night lit by diamonds
Blackness that once matched my heart
My beat, my soul
glows with love
Time shifts, a chasm before me
To step back to yesterday
A world whiled away in an instant
Or to bend … a reed folding into tomorrow
‘Tis hardest staying still
Fixed in my disillusions
Battling the desire
to have someone by my side
A protector, lover of life
of me
Arms will wrap around me
reassurance will envelop again
This purgatory will dissolve
and stoke the fires of passion
nurture that which was once broken
One fine day.
(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014
A Male Angel On Patrol by farconville courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
Weariness strangles me
The thief of time delights
Another day of ill achievement
the waiting list shelved
so the demon conscience mocks
Prompting the angel wings to spread
The span high and wide
Serenity and encouragement step forth
and so I remove the noose
threatening to choke me
My failings laid bare
My fears eschewed
For now at least …
(Written in 2012)
© mypastmademe.com 2014
I am in reflective mode, having come across some poems written in 2012 … the constant theme of searching, such as has appeared in so many of my poems. It is strange to think that I spent so many of my years searching, as far back as I can remember, yet now I find myself at peace. It is more of an effort now not to close the door and I have to remind myself to be available to let love in …
As a teenager, those inevitable moments when puberty has us lost in our own darkness, struggling to fit in, fighting to be noticed and loved … a fight that so often results in a match with someone so unmatchable we are blind to it, I would always say to myself, “There’s a boy for every girl and a girl for every boy.” So as an adult I realise the truth is that love binds a mish-mash of people together – boys to girls, girls to boys, boys to boys, girls to girls etc – but love itself, that indefinable something that electrifies us to another person, is still so elusive for those who go looking for it. I think, if I’m completely honest, looking back, I was still searching in my head even when I believed I was happy. A happiness that was vapid really, built on sand because I chose to turn a blind eye to so many things … but all that matters not now.
Here we are in this moment, these present minutes, and all that matters right this second is this screen and the tapping of my fingers, forming words to convey how I feel, filling this space in time with my thoughts. The realms I exist in now are so different to what I have ever known before. Yes, I miss the feel of another’s lips on mine, the brush of a hand across my face, the warmth emanating from another soul towards me and offering intimacy, someone who basks in who I am … but these thoughts are only fleeting reminders of physical elements which do not make up a whole, nor do they represent what I was ever really looking for.
I don’t know if I should feel sad that I am no longer searching; should I grieve for a habit, a belief, which saw me through the bad times? No … I inwardly rejoice that my inner peace broke the chains and now I exist to live, to bring happiness to those around me, to do my best, to try to achieve my dreams … and it is strange that in all the things I think of I am no longer adding on this silhouette of a man, the faceless soulmate, to stand alongside me. It is only now that I realise no-one could ever love me more than I love myself; it is a mistake I made for so long. To know our own self-worth – to expect and accept the best of someone – can only happen if we love ourselves to start with. And I love myself enough to stop looking … to bask in this moment, to absorb everything around me and try to exude happiness and bring it out in others. This is my service. This is what fills me with love and makes me happy.
And that faceless man … the long-ago harboured dream … he will recognise me, if that is what’s meant to be, and I will recognise him. But in the meantime I will wedge the door open, tempted so much as I am to shut it completely, and continue on the path I’m on. For this contentedness is so special … and life is far too precious to be wasted on searching for something that might never be. I love myself enough … to be enough.
All is well. May happiness find you and contentedness envelop you. Search only for yourself, not someone else. x
Balancing Zen Stones In Water by Master isolated images courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I know not of the feel of a partner’s arms
the security and serenity of another’s love
I know not of beautified glances
the pleasurable allure of someone entranced
I care not for the material
the matter borne from money
I seek the vibrancy of a transcendent connection
the attraction and root pull of the core
I yearn not to wait,
not to know,
only to live
Keep the fire burning
and acknowledge the flicker of a new dawn
Embrace the deliverance
of inner peace
© mypastmademe.com 2014
Pink Cosmos Flower Close Up by criminalatt courtesy of http://www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net
To speak of the beauty of a flower
swaying in a breeze
is to breathe the essence
of everything I think I am.
To wonder at a branch
adorned with buds
is to recognise hope
proffered by the future.
To stop and marvel,
be thankful for all that is
must be my goal.
Forgetting ego,
diminishing others’ judgements
… save for those I love.
© mypastmademe.com 2014
I have written several sentences on this screen and deleted each one, not quite sure what to write. I want to post, want normality, but the world changed for me in February with the loss of a very dear friend. I think of him every day, more so on sunny days.
It is a tragedy that sometimes it takes the loss of a special soul to make us realise that we were not living. It all felt so dark at first, such a shock … but then my beliefs helped me through. In recent weeks I have cried more, but I can also look up and smile, and speak. I send love and healing to his loved ones and others feeling his loss … it eases the ache and makes me feel like I’m helping.
My heart is so heavy. To all those whom I’d ever sympathised with before, consoled for their loss, I never truly realised the depths of the pain. I have been so lucky, so blessed … just as I was to know this man, this special person who lit up everyone he met.
There are poems somewhere … I know I wrote a bit when the numbness began to fade, but I don’t know where they are. They will turn up, and I will register the rainbows once again … soon. But not yet.
I think this world is so harsh … not just in terms of Mother Nature’s wrath, or the terrible acts committed by some people, the reasons behind them … but in so many ways people just seem to barge their way through the world without taking stock, without caring or attending to others’ feelings. I will never fully understand why someone who was so genuine and honest had to leave so soon, and there will always be a chink in my heart … the scar of loss … a friend of many years with whom I shared an unspoken bond, someone who helped me through tough times and, I hope, took comfort from my words in hard times also. It was a privilege to watch him take flight … to soar, to accomplish, and ultimately find happiness with his soulmate whose grief I cannot imagine.
I sit here typing and I know I am not the same person I was when I started this blog. My priorities have changed, my values have deepened … I am altered. I value myself more now and I finally know exactly who I am. The path still stretches ahead of me, my destination uncertain … but the journey is wondrous and there are lanterns aglow way further than I can see. I miss my friend. I know he will always light a beacon for me to head towards when I begin to feel lost. It is an inner conflict that I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt, yet the world has dimmed and I can’t undo it. Acceptance is the only way forward, bolstered with love and hope.
Be kind to each other. Cherish those you love; tell them what they mean to you. I will be back soon. x
Inspiration S Tree by Marcus74id courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net
A hesitant footfall
atop glittering snow
My past compressed.
The air crisp, clean
Senses alert
Mind at ease.
Body encased by the cold
I take a full step
towards my future.
© http://www.mypastmademe.com 2013
