Alice in Dangerland

When did the ground start to open again?

  the black shadow darkness

  looming like a noose

How did I miss the sign

  telling me to stop

  before I fall?

Have I fallen yet?

Or am I standing on the edge

  of the abyss?

Nothing is falling past me,

  no clocks or rabbits

so I must still be safe

Yet danger is hugging me

  and sadness is choking me

Shall I just take the next step anyway?

  to feel the expectant relief

  of failure and stillness?

It feels harder to stand

  on the edge right now

When did I lose myself?

  and why is my soul fighting

  being found?

The answers are always the same

But the questions are forever changing

I’m so tired of it

Tired of myself

Lost.

Again.

© www.mypastmademe 2011

Whispers of love

So … the ol’ tear ducts have had a workout this week (a now-dead anniversary (relationship ended, nothing worse)), and the last few days I’ve had this song going through my head … you know, the sort that conjures up in your mind when you’re just driving along and you suddenly start humming, and if you’re lucky you fit words to it (I can’t remember the first words I sang, am sure they were better).  Anyway, this little paragraph will explain the repetition  🙂   The melody is, I would say, like a Celtic lullaby, in a soft voice.  It might not read well, but sounds lovely in song  🙂

Every day, every day

  you’ll hear my whisper

  every day

Down by the ocean,

  across the sea

That’s where you’ll find me,

  that’s where I’ll be

Every day, every day

  you’ll hear my whisper

  every day

My heart’s still broken,

  torn in two

Thought we’d be a lifetime,

  me and you

Every day, every day

  you’ll hear my whisper

  every day

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Fool

Full Moon Over Water by Exsodus/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Foolish, foolish heart of mine

  so willing to fall, so blind

Gentle he was when it suited

  hiding behind a mask

The lies thick as the dead night

And somewhere on a moonlit pond

  lies my shattered heart

  my broken dreams

  and the loss of all that I thought I had

So now the tears fall

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Empty

Emptyness has taken hold

  and stolen my emotions,

  my sympathy

So cold inside

  I have nothing to offer

Confusion has me in its path

  storming towards me

And I cannot move

  cannot see

Everything discoloured

  my life fading to grey

Two angels sleeping nearby

  my life, my reason

  pieces of me existing outside of my body

Why did he slash my heart,

  score it, dice it?

I was a fool

  besotted, betrayed

The disease was there all along

  holding hands with deceit

A new crossroads

  but this time a blizzard

  the signs obscured

  and two young hearts to crush

But what of mine?

What of my sorrow?

  my pain?

What lesson is this

  to be learned, endured?

Always trusting,

  eternally the fool

A leap of faith?

  or a plunge to death?

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Losing

There are times when my eyes shine black

when all the anger spills from me like a burst dam

And I loathe myself for it

I flit from beautifying myself to despising my reflection

The mirror bleeds with pity and spitefulness

Was I always this way or was I manufactured?

He is still winning in those fleeting moments

  when I wonder if it really was my fault

  whether I asked for those fists to rein down on me

  when there must have been a reason for him to be repelled

And then my face softens

My shield goes up in protection

  and I know it wasn’t my fault

My situation is my cage

I feel like an injured bird

  with my wings clipped and sore

How long will recovery take?

When will I find the clearing in the woods?

  with the blue sky to laze beneath

  and the soft breeze to kiss my face

Long blades of grass and flowerbeds with roses

My body dipped in peace and serenity

I keep searching and running

I just want to reach the finish line

  before something inside me dies

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Lost

And the flakes of sorrow drip from my eyes

  dissolving into a pool

  reflecting my empty soul

My face distorted

Ripples of shame and guilt

Someone’s finger piercing the pattern

Exploding my heart from within

And the blood spreads

The floor red and deep

I can no longer see myself

Where is my form?

The outline a haze

Fuzzy thoughts and feelings

Self doubt, self crucifixion

Labelling myself, crying out in horror

  and pain

A thousand needles pricking my eyes

Where the pupils dilate

  and the colour contracts

As I look out onto this world

This plane of nothing

I know I have lost my way

The blood has reached my neck

And I can no longer swim

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011

Broken

I try to avoid the tidal wave of bitterness

  but every day is a fight

  a torrid storm

Where the trees crash down, blocking my path

I am always falling over

My knees and hands cut with glass

Crystalising my hopes

  into little blocks, tiny shapes

That sit afloat

  a dank riverbed

And the river runs deep

The colour turning, darkening

And the crystals no longer shine

Any glimmer of hope being dirtied and mocked

Picked out by a hand

  placing my dreams on a wall

  in a crooked line, hung on rusty nails

Where people watch

  and stare

  stood motionless

I am a new page every day

In this bible of life

© www.mypastmademe.com 2011